Do you have a tried-and-true method you pull out when you’re making a big decision?
Here are a few you might be able to relate to:
The pros + cons list.
This never seems to work for me because my list usually comes out equal on both sides. Sure, it might lay bare all my fears and excitement, but it ultimately leaves me with a neutral, meh in my spirit, and no clear answer bubbling to the surface.
Prayer.
When I was a Christian, prayer was the preferred way to overcome indecisiveness. Combined with a bit of fasting - now that was a potent combination! God held the right answer and it was up to me to show him my holy desperation. Non-religious people also resort to prayer in a different form (see #5).
The Survey.
Some of us instinctively turn to the survey approach, asking every friend, family member, or random person at the gym for advice. We subconsciously collect and tally up people’s votes and then (try to) decide based on the majority’s opinion.
Become a Researcher.
This includes compiling notebooks full of data and research on whatever it is we need to decide about. We listen to every podcast, check out all the library book, and scour the internet for differing perspectives until we’re bloated with information and drowning in analysis.
Give Me A Sign.
I also like to reach for the Give Me A Sign system when trying to gain clarity on a big decision in my life. Probably harking back to my Christian upbringing, this one is simple- ask the Greater Power at be for SIGN! It could be God, The Universe, The Trees, or A Deck of Tarot Cards. The underlying principle here is that we’re waiting. Waiting for the cards or stars to align, someone to call us or send that email. We’re waiting for a telling dream, the magical words from the old lady in front of us in line, or a warm flutter in our hearts.
Go Down The Road.
Another approach is to envision our life, 1, 5, or 20 years down the road. We enlist our imagination and enter into each possible scenario, trying on different realities. We conjure the feelings and sensations associated with each outcome and choose the best.
We all have our own weird flavor combination of decision-making.
What I’ve learned is that most of the time (as you can see in the above methods) we like to peer outside ourselves when faced with a looming, potentially life-changing decision. What does the rest of the world, my neighbors, God, and my future self think I should do? We don’t trust our own judgment to walk forward with confidence and decide on a direction to go.
Which makes sense given there are so many parts of ourselves begging to be heard and clamoring for the microphone, and our history is proof of our poor track record and inability to choose wisely.
We also heap an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to make the Right Decision, as if the difference between having an incredible life or a terrible life hinges on this moment.
When it comes to making a big decision, I find a few things to be helpful.
First. Give yourself time to explore, to wander down all the tracks. Try everything- the pro/con list, prayer, survey, research, ask for a sign, and envision life 5 years from now. Have fun and tuck away all those learnings into your proverbial backpack.
Second. You must believe in who you are - a good person with a heart of gold and a human who is trying to figure out how to do this thing called life. You are doing the best you can. It is safe to trust yourself and your inner voice.
Third. Lower the stakes. And then lower it a little more. Pretend this decision isn’t life or death, and your destiny doesn’t hang in the balance. Change your language around it. Perhaps this choice doesn’t need to be labeled as “big” or “tough” or “monumental” or “life-altering.” Could you see it as just another step, an adventure, an experiment, a curiosity?
Fourth. Piggy-backing off number 3, I want you to imagine you're making this decision like you’re standing in the cereal aisle of your favorite grocery store. Every box in front of you looks and sounds delicious and interesting! Or maybe for you it’s an ice cream shop! Although it’s hard to decide, you ultimately just pick one, knowing full well this doesn’t mean you will be forced to crunch this cereal or lick this ice cream for the rest of your life.
Studies show we make about 35,000 decisions in a day. But then, inevitably, we face a decision that leaves us stumped. Our mind obsesses over what to do. Our day, sometimes our entire month, is plugged up because we drag out the decision-making process.
We make it into a WHOLE THING. We settle into a perpetual state of confusion, swaying back and forth, and eventually making ourselves sick.
What if we could approach those weightier decisions with more lightness and levity? Wouldn’t that feel good? Bring the sense of joy and curiosity you have in a colorful cereal aisle or in your favorite ice cream shop into your next serious decision.
There’s not really a right answer; there’s just you standing in front of a bunch of abundant, mouth-watering options. Follow your curiosity with glee and wonderment; you can always come back later if you want to try a different option.
What is one decision you need to make this week or in the weeks ahead?
PS: Therapists are also good to have with us in the cereal aisle, and one of the biggest decisions I ever made.