Weekly-ish Letter :: No. 05

On Sharing Our Marriages More, 30 Religions, The Influx of Information, & Does Anything Truly "End"

What’s Your Marriage Like?

I’ve been married 12 years, I think. Honestly, I’m too tired to do the math right now. What I do remember is that on a 70-degree day on the 22nd of August of 2009 in my parents’ backyard, two kids from different corners of the world in their late twenties promised to love each other forever. I even spoke a few of my vows in my terrible Afrikaans just for him. Jy is my bemunde is all I recall now.

You are my beloved.

For the most part, the sweetness stopped there.

We fought on our honeymoon about who knows what and have been fighting ever since. Not like fistfights, although I’m sure we’ve both felt like punching one another at times, but verbal arguments, complete with an array of careless, cutting words and grudges held for days (hi, that’s me).

Turns out, I don’t think we will ever speak the same language nor dwell on the same planet. This is insane, how will we stay married, could we be any more different? I often think to myself on our really bad days.

What I’ve so desperately hoped for my entire married life (and come to think of it, this desire was there when we were dating too) were other couples who shared what their relationship really looked and felt like and looked like. I wanted to know in detail what transpired between them. I wanted couples who willingly exposed their weekly violent, angry outbursts, how much they had sex every week and if they ever got in arguments while laying there naked together. I wanted to hear about the times when they walked out of the room and started planning how they would leave. I wanted to know their repetitive, hurtful patterns and fights, their regrets and disappointments and unmet expectations, and the ugliest words they ever said to each other.

Is that weird to want to know all the details and discourse surrounding other people’s intimate lives? Perhaps I am strange.

But it’s been an ever-growing interest of mine since I started a serious relationship with the man I would later marry. Is this normal? I wondered if the feelings and doubts I had were to be expected, if our conversations were common amongst other couples, if our obvious incompatible parts, those big “red flags” were too big to ignore, if we would ultimately stay together forever or if divorce would be inevitable?

So tell me, what’s your marriage like?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a few words about mine and how it’s far from a fairy tale and more like a raging sea or a rundown shed. Did you read it yet? It’s titled, What Makes Marriage So Damn Difficult?

After you read it let me know if you can relate. And do you like it when people tell you about the inside workings of their marriage? (Can I do it more?!) Does it make you uncomfortable or does it help you feel seen, more normal, more at ease within the deficiencies of your own romantic relationship?

Three thoughts to fuel your adventure

1. I don’t need to read every book or email or post that comes across my path! I can regularly (daily?) delete, unsubscribe, mute, unfollow, ignore, close, leave, put down, and purge myself from all the constant influx of information, recommendations, and opinions of others. Getting busy with my hands, playing with my ideas, scratching out my stories, and going all-in with my life is where the adventure begins. Do you find this to be true as well?
   

2. I recently finished Post Traumatic Church Syndrome: A Memoir of Humor and Healing by Reba Riley, in which she details her journey to experience 30 religions before her 30th birthday. It was equal parts fascinating and funny.

   
   Spoiler Alert: Her conclusion at the end of her year-long experiment is wrapped up in this brief but brilliant interaction with her doctor:
   

   “But what religion did you choose?” he pressed.

   “I picked all of them and none of them. I chose something much bigger than religion: Love.”

   “Do you think all religions are equal?”

   “I think all religions are equally incapable of containing God.”
   
   You can bet I wrote that down to keep with me! I want to shout it from the mountaintops, but instead I’ll just leave it here for you to sit with…
   

3. And lastly, does any dream, any daring endeavor, any moment, any relationship, any life, truly come to an “end” or does it simply take another shape, transform and bend, head in a different, oftentimes unexpected, direction?
   
   I’ve pivoted mid-project, mid-class, mid-life more times than I care to remember. Every time it’s painful and relieving, sad and exciting, confusing and clarifying. I beat myself up and I cheer myself on when those “endings” occur. I wonder if this isn’t simply part of evolving and growing up as a human being? My latest pivot though has been the most difficult by far. You can read the fuzzy details here. I can’t wait to see how the path unfolds.

Traveling with you through this unknown, rocky terrain called life,

Charissa